Dear Rowan: Part Ten

DearRowan10Dear Rowan,

Your daddy is a good man. It breaks my heart that you didn’t get to meet one another. His reaction to the positive pregnancy test was to pick up his PS4 controller and play for the rest of the evening until I went to bed. I was amused–I let him process how he wanted to, and delighted in those two bold stripes on the test on my own. The next day we celebrated together and calculated the day you were due and wondered if Zika would keep us from our vacation in Georgia this summer.

I kept a lot of my joy inside because I was afraid of losing you. Even those who knew I was pregnant didn’t hear of my joy or love for you to the extent that I felt it. Except for your daddy. He heard it all, and he panicked a little and he set himself to looking at finances and strategizing his next pay raise and the budget. That’s how he prepared for you. I didn’t get to hear his thoughts about you except when I asked him to pray over you as we went to bed at night. Then I knew he loved you too.

But I knew even more about how he felt when we lost you. He was as devastated as I. He wept on Father’s Day. He mourned you deeply at our memorial service. He feels your loss now, but has kept himself busy with work and with household chores.

He was the perfect companion through all of it. He took care of me physically and held me as I cried and kept me fed as I lost weight–loss not only of the four pounds I had gained from my pregnancy with you but also the lack of appetite I’ve had for a month now. He keeps me distracted and he reminds me we will have joy again.

He is a good man. And he loved you. And I wish he could have held you at Christmas too. He doesn’t think he’ll be a good dad, but I know he will. He will be a great one, one day. He was a good dad to you for the few short months we loved you. I’m so blessed to have him. And I hate that I couldn’t give you to him.

His voice broke and he couldn’t speak at your memorial service, so I had to ask my dad to keep reading. The fact that he mourns you shows me how strong he is. It takes a strong man to love his wife and child that much. To unflaggingly care for us both, and then to remain strong and yet honest with me after we lost you.

As much as I felt alone carrying you, because I had all the physical symptoms and all the anxieties, he loved you too. He wanted you. And he missed you too. May I never forget how he has loved us both unconditionally, and how his faith has not been shaken. He tells me I am strong, but I wouldn’t be strong at all without him.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine

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4 thoughts on “Dear Rowan: Part Ten

  1. Pingback: Dear Rowan: Part Nineteen | Philosophia Women

  2. Pingback: Dear Rowan: On Your Due Date | Philosophia Women

  3. Pingback: Dear Rowan: Part Twenty-One | Philosophia Women

  4. Pingback: Dear Rowan: Part Twenty | Philosophia Women

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